Long time no blog: Eyes on the prize

Why now? Just some stuff to monitor, the stuff that gets my heart racing, and not in a good way. Also the stuff that grounds me.

I was on Facebook and a friend of mine has very conservative family. She posted something about an image of police brutality and they responded with "These Occupy folks need to get a job." Such ignorance & victim-blaming makes me want to explain things to them so that they will understand. Nothing wrong with communication, but the fury I feel when I read what they write makes me nauseous. That sort of emotional shitstorm is something I would like to learn to cope with, because it's much easier to communicate when you're not red in the face & trying to pick all the cuss words out of your speech.

Also, I am probably going to start work as a CNA by the end of the year. I finished the class & now need to pass the state exam. Then I will look for work. CNAs (certified nursing assistants) can usually find work pretty easily, because there's so much turnover (because the work is hard & the pay is low, because the companies are profit-driven and cut corners wherever they can). So I'm fairly confident that I will be able to find a job.

I desperately do not want to work as a CNA. During my month-long training, we worked for six days at a nursing home. I was frequently in tears. It's not the difficulty of the work that bothers me, although it is very difficult to care for elderly folks with dementia who don't want to brush their teeth, don't want to bathe, are frequently incontinent and have complaints that I don't know how to handle yet. There will be a steep learning curve, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it, especially as I get to know the people in my care. No, it's not the nature of the work - it's the volume. It would be challenging - but possible - to provide excellent care for five or six people. I could see that. I was barely able to manage two during my clinical days working at the home, but I can see how one would learn people's routines & preferences, and how to best manage time & priorities. Eventually I would be able to handle half a dozen folks and be able to really make sure they're being bathed thoroughly, that their toes aren't getting funky, that their hair isn't getting dreadlocked through neglect (both of which I observed).

But I am going to be expected to care for 12-15 people. I resent being set up for failure.

Okay, so look at the big picture. Why am I accepting this job, if it's such a guaranteed nightmare? Because after working for a few months, I hope to be able to get hired at a hospital (they usually want to hire people who have experience, which one obtains at, that's right, a nursing home). Once in the hospital setting, I will be able to look around and find another job that I would enjoy (ultrasound tech? respiratory tech? med assist? There are literally dozens of options) and start the process of training for that job. CNA is an entry-level position that I hope to occupy for the minimal amount of time.

Also in terms of the big picture: None of my co-workers or bosses can be blamed for this situation. (Obviously there is no room for anger at any of the people in my care: however "demanding" they may behave, they are elderly folks with dementia, which means they are tired & breaking down. They deserve the very best I can offer them.) The fault lies with the way health care is managed in this country - the fact that its motive is to generate profit off of the business of caring for people. There is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation right now, except for voting, writing representatives, and going down to support my local Occupation, all of which I do. In the meantime, maybe if I get some experience in the industry under my belt I will be able to do some work at the level of policy. Who knows. But right now, we are overworked and understaffed and short of supplies. All that falls under the category of "things I cannot change" and thus require acceptance.

Sort of like those condescending, ignorant family members of my friend.

So I am trying to work towards two things. One, I would like to be able to hear people state opinions with which I do not agree without feeling like I'm drowning in the blood that is rushing to my head. Even if I'm right - that they are the people whose prejudices and self-rightous ideas about pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps are the ones allowing the elite to stay in power - and even as I write this I think more and more about the lies these well-intended people are fed in order to keep them docile & compliant - that said, even if I'm right to be, shall we say, irritated with & disappointed by these folks, the desire to CRUSH them with superior liberal logic has an animal energy that doesn't fit. I would like to be able to disagree & even debate without losing my freakin' mind.

The other thing that I'm scared of right now is that I will be so angry about the conditions I expect to be working in that my anger will compromise the quality of my work. I do not want to become so jaded that I'm just doing the minimum to get by. Maybe someday I will be able to help work for some real change in this area. In the meantime, these people will be at my mercy. I am glad that I am already well tuned in to the idea of taking care of myself (getting enough sleep, meditation, staying in touch with a support network, being mindful of the bigger picture, thinking things through - which is why I've resumed this blog). I will be a primary caretaker, and therefore a primary component of these people's own personal big pictures - their day-to-day lives. Just because I will never have enough time or help or supplies to do my job right doesn't mean that I can't be patient and kind.

God help me. Seeing the way the other CNAs worked really scared me. They were frequently unkind. I don't judge them. They're being paid shit. They're burned out. God help me maintain an attitude of service and humility. It's not about the money. This is just a stop along the way. I will be able to learn a lot. There will be times that I am frustrated and overwhelmed. It is my intention stay present and think of how I can best balance my obligations to the resident in front of me, my other residents, my co-workers and myself.

There's this tree that lives outside my window. All summer it was green and beautiful. As fall approached, all the leaves on all the other trees changed color & dropped, but this one was green, green, green, well into September. I remember when I thought I could detect a hint of red around the edges of some of the leaves, a slight rustiness. Then suddenly it was like the whole tree was on fire, it was so red and orange. Just as suddenly, it turned brown. Yesterday I noticed that I could actually see through it to the houses across the street that I had never been able to see before. Now I note that if I watch that tree for more than a minute, I will probably see a leaf fall. Just one leaf every minute or so, but over half of them have fallen.

Even jaw-droppingly drastic change usually comes sort of slowly. I need to cultivate patience.